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Hi friends! Happy Wednesday! I’ve been wanting to write this post for a while but never really knew how to begin. I have started to write it 50 times easily, but I never want to sound like the whiny person who complains about life. If I’m being honest, I love my life. I have grown up surrounded by the most amazing family, went to and graduated from my dream college, met the most amazing man and got married to him in January, and am living out an amazing life. On the flip side of that, life is hard, and I have struggled with a lot of things. I’m here to tell you that life is not always rainbows and unicorns, and although I’m only 23, I’m starting to figure that out. This is probably the longest post I’ve ever written, but I wanted to give you guys a little bit of a backstory to my story.
People always told me, “don’t grow up, it’s a trap”. I have always wanted nothing more than to be a wife, and have a family, so I always blew them off. I spent all four of my high school years and my freshman year of college in a BAD relationship. Without going into too much detail, there was verbal abuse and it was truly one of the lowest points in my life. When I got to A&M, I finally realized there were so many more fish in the sea and the right one was out there waiting for me. After breaking up with my HS boyfriend, I promised myself I was going to take a year to myself. A year to reflect, figure out who I was, figure out what I wanted, and to enjoy myself in college! I had a little too much fun, lol, but a year and 9 days after I ended my previous relationship I met Patrick. Isn’t it funny how God works? I was in an oceanography lab and happened to hit it off with a girl and we instantly became close. She was dating Patrick’s roommate and they ended up introducing us. Again, isn’t it funny how God works? I knew instantly when I met Patrick that he was the one. I longed for the day of him proposing to me. When he finally did, I was the happiest girl alive! Fast forward to this past January and we had the wedding of our dreams with all of our favorite people surrounding us!
I graduated from A&M in December 2016. I ended up finishing a semester early, earning my degree in communications. I loved graphic design, I loved planning, and I loved every design aspect of a job. After graduating, Patrick and I got engaged the following January, and just three weeks after that Patrick moved to Minnesota for six months for his job training. We were unsure of where his job was going to take us, so during those six months I stayed in College Station and worked full time for the boutique I had worked at all through college, Sabi Boutique. (Btw, if you haven’t checked them out, do it! They have the cutest stuff!) We were pretty sure we were going to end up in Dallas, until the last month of him being in Minnesota when we learned we were going to be in Houston. Patrick was still living in Minneapolis, so I was tasked with finding us a place to live! That month before he moved home was SO hard. I was so excited for him to come home but finding a house that accepted 3 dogs was tough! We didn’t want to buy because we were unsure of how long we would be there, and since neither of us had lived in Houston, we really didn’t know the area well enough to commit to buying a house. We lived in Houston from July 2017 to July 2018 and got married in January of 2018. During that year, I decided I wanted to teach. I have always loved working with kids and truly should’ve gotten my degree in education. I kick myself every day for not! I started my teaching certificate in January 2017 and started a full-time substitute teaching job in February 2017, finishing in June 2017 at the end of the school year. I had finished all of my online classes, my observation hours, and my tests, but needed a year of teaching in Texas to complete the certificate.
Patrick came to me in April about moving to Georgia. I have never lived out of Texas, so I had no idea what I was supposed to do. I asked myself so many questions, every day. Would I like it? Would we be OK that far from friends and family? Would I have to restart my teaching certificate? Is the job opportunity worth it? Is it the right time to make a big move like this? Y’all, I cried every day. I knew it would be a great move for Patrick and I and our future, but honestly, I did NOT want to go. I pondered it for days, and before I knew it Patrick’s new company needed an answer. I prayed hard, and ultimately, I knew it would be best for us. Nothing is permanent, we don’t have kids, I didn’t have a permanent job, and we didn’t own a house. Nothing was holding us back. I finally told Patrick to tell the company yes, and holy moly that’s when it hit me. I became extremely depressed. I was having frequent anxiety attacks and was terrified to move. It caused arguments between Patrick and I, and I was an absolute mess. The closer our moving day got, the worse it got for me. I don’t think I’ve ever cried that much in my life! Moving is nothing to some people, but with how close my family is, it’s been extremely hard for me.
One of the toughest things for me was that I was SO close to finishing my teaching certificate but because I didn’t have that full year of teaching in Texas, everything I had done went down the drain. I was so close to achieving my ultimate dream of having my own classroom and being able to influence kids that it made me even more mad about the move. I talked with the Georgia educator program and the Texas educator program, and ultimately there was nothing either of them could do to transfer my completed courses. So, I have had to redo all of my teaching certificate here and am now to the point where I am now trying to obtain a full-time job here to finish out the program. Finding a job has been so hard because it’s the middle of the semester, so needless to say, it’s slim pickings. The worst thing is that to complete the course, you have to obtain a full-time teaching position. Without a full-time job you are unable to start the educator preparation program. So now, I am stuck with the decision of whether to wait it out, eventually find a job, and then finish out the educator prep program to receive my certificate OR go ahead and start a master’s program in education and receive my certificate that way. BTW, if you’ve been through this, please reach out!! I would love to hear what you did!
So with that backstory, I guess the hardest thing for me to deal with over the past two years is feeling like a failure. I have a degree from Texas A&M, I’m 23, I’m married, but I’m jobless. I feel like I am not contributing to our marriage like I should be, and constantly comparing myself to friends who are so successful at my age. Comparison is such an ugly thing and can truly make you feel so low. I am someone who thrives on contact with people and being social, so having no job, and living somewhere new with few new friends has really taken a toll on me. I am someone who would work even if I didn’t have to because I enjoy being around people. There’s only so many things you can do around your house, and there’s only so many conversations you can have with your dogs! Lol!
I have to give major kudos to Patrick. He has seriously been my rock through it all. I still have frequent meltdowns and he has gotten me through them all. My family and Patrick have been the best through everything. The reality is that no matter how happy someone seems on social media, you never know what they’re going through in real life. I should be the happiest person in the world! I’m recently married to the love of my life, I just moved to a beautiful new state, into a beautiful new house, and have the best friends and family in the world! But the truth is the past year, or so, has been SO hard!
I’m still not sure what the point of this post was, other than to inform you that it’s OK to not be OK. I’m in a weird stage of life and I’m truly just trying to figure out where God is leading me. Writing about this and sharing this with you guys has been almost therapeutic for me. So many people don’t know the challenges I’ve faced, and still face today.
If you take anything from this, just remember, social media is a TINY portion of life. No one wants to be the whiny, complaining person on social media, so most people choose to only post the good. Comparison is a thief of your own joy, and while it is SO hard to not do it, seriously try not to. It’s something I am still working on, and hopefully can continue to improve. I have started writing down things I am thankful for, and simply taking it day by day. It has seemed to help me, and I hope that maybe it can help one of you! I am so thankful for Patrick and my family to help me along this journey.
If you’ve read this far, thank you! You all mean so much to me and I’m thankful to have this small space on the internet to share my thoughts.
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